Tomorrow's officially the starting of my new semester which is... semester three. *gasps* Time flies just like that and semester two is over. I'll be moving on to the next sem and I'm hoping it's going to be awesome which means, it's a start of something new and I can't wait to get started.. having 5 days of classes in a week is tiring but hopefully, I can cope and manage my time well.
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Today is the third day of semester three and semester three is just as hectic as a subway station you see every morning and evening. I can't wait to end this semester, really. 7 subjects is just too much to handle especially having 5 days in a row of classes make me want to... jump off the cliff. So stress over lots of things and going to the gym is my only platform to release all sort of tension/anger/stress that I could just play sports and workout at the same time to release whatsoever stress I'm enduring right now. Besides drinking, smoking, one night stand and clubbing to release stress (which I don't), I guess playing sports and going to the gym makes me... so much more happier in a way (in terms of releasing all sort of stress and anger related - stress and anger management since I'm really bad at showing and expressing it out. I could save my energy for other things as well plus it's healthier too.
So lately, I have been writing songs too, and I'm thinking of getting back to the piano because it's been years ago since I last touched the piano and right now I'm as rotten as a rotten tomato. The thoughts of me writing songs and poetry.. well, I guess it's a good way or shall I say a healthy way to start writing songs and poetry especially having all sort of mixed emotions and the thoughts that I wish I could tell someone (it could be someone that you know, someone close to you,, someone that you love, anybody) but do not know how to put in words so then I decided to put it in a lyrical form instead. What else? Have been sleeping a lot lately too and dealing with my usual routines as well. I'm still surviving, surprisingly. Negative thoughts never fail to haunt me. I dreamed that night, a shadow came to me and asked me "So, Katrina, why do you exist and what's your purpose in life? A burden to everyone?" It's so vivid and so clear that I could actually remember that part a shadow came up to me and asked me that question. What I know I was afraid and the only thing that I've left was me as I was standing at the pathway of nowhere, surrounded by walls. That night, I woke up instantly right after that shadow appeared in my dreams. Am I a burden to everyone.. the people around me? This particular question seems like it's stuck and glue in my mind for days. Staying away from people whom think that I bring nothing but despair to them in their lives makes me want to stay away from them. I don't wish to be the topic of how much I am a burden to them but inspiring and making others happy is what I really want, not being a burden to anyone. Knowing that I'm not perfect but sometimes, it's not nice to be the reason why they are sad because of you.. right? Don't you think so? Have you ever thought that you try so hard to make others happy but your best is never enough? Yeah, my best is never enough and that's why I am really upset when I come to think about it the moment I was asked by that particular shadow that appeared in my dreams. It feels like I didn't try my hardest.. I failed to make others happy. I don't even know too as well. None of us know the actual truth where else you know that your best is never enough. Sometimes, I wish I can just contribute my life to others, especially to the one that need it the most. You will probably understand why I prefer to be the reason why others are happy (especially contributing something.. even the smallest thing you ever contribute by being their listener or helping them.. or maybe making them laugh could be the reason why they are happy) and experiencing that feeling is ultimately great, and beyond amazing after getting to know that you've done something to make others smile.
How do you feel if you found out that you are actually a burden to someone? Wouldn't you feel sad too? Yet again, am I a burden to you?
By right I should be discovering my answers as well. I'm rather sick of finding my answers to every question but promising myself it would be worth it.
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12 May 2013:-
So, what did I did during semester break? It lasted me for a week. I went on a trip with Yi Sin to Penang for 3 nights and it's probably one of the most adventurous trip ever, tried para-sailing, ride a jet-ski, collecting seashells, went up to the hill, hopping onto public transport such as public buses, trying out random food stores we could find that was near us, getting lost, figuring out directions like a boss, conquering the entire street and walking around Penang like a boss.
Here are some pictures:-
More pictures can be found here.
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