Whenever I am sad despite the fact that I realize that I've lost so many close friends along the way due to the way how I live now, the ones that drifted away from me were the ones that stabbed me so hard at the back silently aka my so called close friends that I could probably rely on but my conscience were wrong. The only reason why they choose to be friends with me is either because I am too nice to them that I would offer to pay for them, help them financially whenever I can, I prioritize their feelings more than I prioritize my own - giving up, making sacrifices and getting influence easily is one thing and the amount of people that I socialize makes them want to be friends with me in order to get connection. I am not being bias nor being full of myself but it is something that I observe for a very long time. Just like waves, simply because of a wave, it messes up and clears off the villages and trees away that the beach is no longer a peaceful environment to play and relax anymore. So what I am trying to say from here is that.. The more friends you have and simply because of ONE person, probably four or five of them would be the follower of that ONE person and back-stabbed you in the end. More like getting betrayed silently till you find out the total ugly truth.
How about encountering the ones that you once thought they were being truthful to you but no, they played the game well. So fake that you realize that you are so stupid to fall for their tricks in the first place simply because "you-are-too-nice"
Till the point of time that I realize that being TOO nice is sinful to me now that I realize that I have to change to be more heartless and to prove that I am totally fine being on my own. More like I am afraid of getting attached and close to someone because in the end of the day, it is either life tells you whether they are meant to be in your life as a friend or disappear for life just like that..
Many of them left and what even hurts the most is that I didn't get a chance to confront them regarding the situation (actually, I do not know confronting works but usually it is a best way to solve one's problem eventhough you are NOT in a wrong but to clear things up). Nonetheless sometimes it tells me whether are they worth confronting or not (can tell by their actions) - sometimes I have to push myself to confront them instead rather than to stay silent because one of my biggest aim in life is to be a keeper and to not create war. Yeah, people always say that silent is better than speaking out so less drama happens but if you really value and cherish friendship, would you ever want to approach them and talk things out even you are no idea what have you done wrong but to just talk things out so that it would mend this relationship back again?
I guess you would.
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I may have lost a lot of people in my life along the way but still have a few pearls that still sticks with me (you know who you are). This life has been a real journey for the past 3 months since I moved out. Right now, I choose to live my life independently and doing the things that I love.
Someone used to asked me this "what are the things that you are proud of yourself?"
I am proud that I finally had the courage to break and escape from the dark side that has been awaiting for me for years, handling and overcoming emotional stress and problems along the way with the help of God and the pearls in my life. I gave up on my degree, sacrifice temptations and choose to work in order to support myself and be a survivor in the world out there whilst fighting my way out to save up for degree and for my future. I gave up my college life and start a new life where you really face life in a different perspective. I am happy that I am now living on my own whilst doing the things I love relating to my hobby and something that I want to improve to be better, a different exposure, experiences, having an ukulele as my companion, involving music and art such as drawing - my compatible sketchbook that I constantly carry around whenever I go to places and chill - I would draw reflecting on my mood, traveling around, hopping around public transportation and exploring new places like a tourist, capturing pictures for keepsakes, and trying out new, exciting stuff that I always wanted to learn and taking life as an adventure and a teacher that teaches me so much about life. Soaring life as a bliss no matter how much pain you have to endure. Most importantly, having God as a motivator that keeps me moving forward, stronger and tougher. Pushing negative mind aside, the positive side makes you even more happier, right? Life taught me to be your own hero because you are stronger than you ever think. What I am proud of is that I am still the same old me that barely have any changes - the pathetic-random me that blabbers out nonsensical topics that doesn't make sense, that typical girl that laughs for no reason and being random all the time. (I don't know if it is a good thing but it doesn't sound good to me either) *insert okay face*
People would usually say "YOLO" (you only live once) and I am kinda following the trend because.. you only live once and you wouldn't know when can you ever get a second chance so why not do it now?
What are your aims? Ever asked yourself your resolution that you wish to achieve? It is never too late to make a change in your life. You may have lost a lot of people along the way but always remember that you did not lose yourself.
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