dad.

I decided to focus this entry on a very specific, most important person who brought me here in this world. Without him, I don't think I will be here, living in the world where I can stand at the bus stop right now, a pair of eyes to see the traffic and the sound of the engine of vehicles, the humid sun, or rather, to be able to be me today. I am here to talk about my one and only father who brought me here in this world.

My dad is not a perfect person, he is also covered with flaws and bad habits. His blood boiled easily and he is extremely stubborn. He doesn't like people who doesn't follow his own way of thinking and he doesn't seem to understand anyone's perspective and is very full of himself. My dad is a very unreasonable man and would embarrass me in public. There are times when both of us have our own disagreements on how we see and look at things and gets angry whenever I fail to follow his ways. He doesn't like it when he sees me cry that he will scold me if I ever do so. I could list down a number of actions of dissatisfaction towards him like any other teenagers would do. 

Despite whatever happened in the past and his actions, he is still my dad. The dad that makes him HIM. The dad that I know that he is covered with flaws and was never perfect to begin with because in my eyes, he is still the father that I love. The dad that brings out the best of me with decent memories to be remembered, shared life experiences and wish to see me a successful person with my own unit along with him and would object the fact that I want to keep animals in my future apartment while he is around. I still remember that silver ford ranger parked at the corner of Bangsar LRT whenever we meet up for lunch/dinner. I still remembered the fact that he would want to have supper at this banana leaf restaurant at 11pm a few times just to have his thosai and his tea contained 3-4 drops of sugar each cup. I remembered how much he wanted to get those upcoming gadgets influenced by the new generation that he would ask me to teach him step by step on how to operate the new technology but got lazier to learn after a few days. First guitar was also bought by my dad in a secondhand shop because I wanted to learn how to play a guitar back then (guitar already gg.com) He loves his food and have to satisfy his sweet tooth and would secretly hide all of his can drinks and sweets related in his car/drawer or beg me to give it to him because I told him not to. He sacrifice a lot that I may not be able to realize it but I know he did. My dad is a very hardworking person who operates his own company till he is unable to work which is right now at the hospital. He is a very carefree person and sees me as his joy (I constantly remind myself that to make him proud and achieve what I can do and earn that on my own) What I see in him is basically as a person who lives life to the fullest and not care about what others have to say about him (I guess that's how I inherit from his YOLO-ness)

I have learnt something extremely important - he has lived his life to the fullest despite how sick he was, he still wants to live an ordinary, normal life as if he is still in his 20s. I am so proud of all of his achievements that he has unlocked in his past life. It's been two weeks since he was admitted to the hospital and he is a real fighter who survived previously when he was admitted. My dad is very strong person who went through ups and downs smoothly along the way and I constantly remind myself that he is staying strong for me. God gave him the strength to carry on, second chance for him to explore the beautiful world and what he needs to do. I discovered God was real when I see miracles happened day by day as he aged till now. He is going to be 71 years old in two weeks time. Without him, I won't really know where to eat since my dad is those "makan kaki" (a food person that goes around and eat something new), without him I doubt I have the wisdom to be independent and be who I am today. Without him, I don't think my sense of direction would make me like a human GPS to my friends (lol) thanks to him for driving me around when I was a little younger than I am. Without him, I don't think my surname would be Yoong (it is a very nice surname). Most importantly without him, I won't know the feeling of having a father. 

I know that God loves him more and wants him back, and I can't bear to see his sufferings in the hospital. He always hated to go to hospitals back when we advice him to go and see the doctor and I can never understand why until I came to the normal ward. It is frustrating. I couldn't really accept the fact how my dad turned out to be in the hospital, admitted 3 days after my birthday and it hurts to see that the person that I know who used to spammed calls me without any fail hardly ever calls me anymore. Conversations were getting shorter day by day and he became unconscious. He can barely talk now nor can even open his eyes. The progress of the before and after - a total change from how I see him. He has lost so much weight and he has became so weak yet so strong to endure the pain just to live. That's when it hits me so hard that I knew that his time may be up anytime. From someone that I know that could drive as far as he can in his 60s and being able to walk healthily and move around, it is sad to see him not being able to have the energy again and constantly in bed and barely talk like how he used to. If only I could rescue my dad and surrender my life to him, I would. 

My dad is still as stubborn as he is even when he is admitted to the hospital, he still craves for sweet stuff such as Orange Juice from the supermarket and Ice Water, I am disappointed by the fact that I won't be able to give the food what he used to crave anymore and should have given him more of his favorite food. I couldn't really understand his principle before because I am afraid that those sweet stuff may bring further sickness to him but again I have learnt that he is old and he should get what he wants because he wants to live life to the fullest, happily without any regrets - not just food but his lifestyle. 

Knowing that my dad is in pain, it took me a long time to accept the fact that he has to go after getting the news from the doctors that he is not qualify to live due to his health condition, it is definitely a sign that it is his time. 

I am disappointed that I couldn't even throw an early birthday celebration for him while he was a lot more better but I am glad that I am able to celebrate his 70th birthday and the previous days when I was a child. I am also disappointed that I am not good enough to hold the title of being a good daughter, too. I am sorry dad for not being there  during your bad times. Growing up sucks so much that I have to neglect those times when I am not there while I am over there, fulfilling my responsibilities, chasing dreams. I am sorry for being so rebellious and being the worst daughter that a father expect a daughter to be. I am sorry for not being able to admit because j am afraid that you may not be able to take me as I am. Whatever I have whispered to your ear in the hospital, I promise to achieve all of that. 

Dad, I can never understand the pain that you are going through right now. If you really need to go, just go.